Let’s Be Literal, Shall We?

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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There are few things that annoy me – I’m a very “go with the flow”, “everybody is entitled to their opinion” kind of gal. But I will tell you that I’ve got a bee in my bonnet. I’ve named that bee Thumper and he has yet to meet my friend Relax. I am hoping the two will meet. Until then, there isn’t much I can do. I will, continue, however, to point out the ridiculous stories that pinch my funny bone. It’s all in good fun and my friend Thumper would realize that were he to merely dismount his high horse.

But I digress….

Bizarro Bible Story coming up!

The Walking Dead. Night of the Living Dead. World War Z. Modern Warfare 3. The Bible. What do all of these have in common? Yep. You guessed it. Zombies.

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What? No! Zombies are an abomination! You have got to be kidding me! Someone grab the PC police….

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No. For real. I’m totally serious. For now, I am going to side-step the most famous (and celebrated) zombie story in the Bible (resurrection, anyone?) and talk a little about what I’ve found in Ezekiel 37:1-10.

The Valley of Dry Bones

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 1 The Lord took hold of me, and I was carried away by the Spirit of the Lord to a valley filled with bones. 2 He led me all around among the bones that covered the valley floor. They were scattered everywhere across the ground and were completely dried out. 3 Then he asked me, “Son of man, can these bones become living people again?” (umm…not unless the zombie apocalypse is upon is…)

“O Sovereign Lord,” I replied, “you alone know the answer to that.” (Of course – He knows everything – even when you’re not being tolerant of other people – just sayin’)

4 Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, ‘Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! 5This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! 6 I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. (ewww)  I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. (Like CPR?) Then you will know that I am the Lord.’” (So, if I speak prophetically to my dry bank account, money will miraculously appear?)

7 So I spoke this message, just as he told me. (Apparently if the Lord told me to jump off a bridge, I’m supposed to do that, too) Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons. (Ho-lee-shit! Someone call Daryl!)

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8 Then as I watched, muscles and flesh formed over the bones. Then skin formed to cover their bodies, but they still had no breath in them. (Of course they had no breath! They were dead 30 seconds ago….geez)

9 Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to the winds, son of man. Speak a prophetic message and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, O breath, from the four winds! Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again.’” (Get the hell outta here! WHY would I want to see the zombie revolution?)

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10 So I spoke the message as he commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life and stood up on their feet—a great army.

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I guess my point is this – the next time you decide Harry Potter is too “witchy” for your kids, Twilight is too “Vampy” and The Walking Dead is too, well, dead – cuddle up with your kids and read them this story. After all, if it’s in the Bible, it must be true. In case you were on the fence about whether or not a zombie army is a good thing – did you forget that they eat people? And now you’ve raised a whole army of them. Nice going.

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~Christine

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on March 28, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. I love Daryl! I love the whole Walking Dead show! Another great post, Christine. I remember one episode of True Blood when Jason likened Christians to be the first vampires for drinking Christ’s blood 😉 The Bible is an abundance of inspiration for types of writers.

    • That was going to be another story – are we zombie-types if we eat someone’s body??? Or vampires if we drink their blood? Now…. I KNOW that isn’t supposed to be taken literally but how much fun if it was?

  2. Lol, technically — the Lord never said to these bones go out and eat thine enemy! We did that in stories and “fiction” but hey this is why I dont have kiddies cause I would cuddle up with them and read them this! Lol.

  3. I ~knew~ The Walking Dead was so popular for a reason!
    Also – ew. Imagine the smell…

  4. Hi Christine,
    Thanks for a fun literal twist on the prophetic metaphor. I enjoyed it. 🙂

    But Bible zombies? At Easter time? Let’s see…how about…

    Matthew 27:51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[e] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

    Que Crocodile Dundee voice: Now THAT’s a zombie.

    Since they were showing up for people to see, the must have been there for a purpose. Maybe to change people’s minds about the whole death of Jesus thing.

    Soooo

    Yep, you guessed it…they were after their brains. 😉

    • I love when more is pointed out to me – and you’re right – those were zombies! We often look for metaphorical meanings in literature and I thought it might be fun to spin it and look to twist everything literally. Great example! I remember, when I taught English, I would shake my head and just think “sometimes the curtains really are just blue and have nothing to do with sadness, loneliness, heartbreak, depression or what have you. Honestly, maybe the author just really liked the color blue.

    • Oooh! A surfer??? A Ninja??? Do tell!

      • Well…those are off the current topic…and perhaps stuff for another whole blog entry. Yes? 😉 (Ohhh I’m SUCH a tease) Pop me a tweet @jmbraybooks 😀

  5. I thought you were going to talk about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. The Ezekiel zombies were much more dramatic.

  6. Hi, Christine. Thanks for posting this. I apologize for taking so long to get here. Isn’t it funny that what a lot of people find offensive is actually in the Bible? I recall the mother of a friend of mine telling us that there was no dirtier book than the Bible. Perhaps she was simply trying to use reverse-psychology on us. 🙂
    Happy Easter…and please watch out for zombies. They apparently really are everywhere.

    -Jimmy
    http://jamesgarciajr.blogspot.com/

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