Let’s Be Literal, Shall We?
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
There are few things that annoy me – I’m a very “go with the flow”, “everybody is entitled to their opinion” kind of gal. But I will tell you that I’ve got a bee in my bonnet. I’ve named that bee Thumper and he has yet to meet my friend Relax. I am hoping the two will meet. Until then, there isn’t much I can do. I will, continue, however, to point out the ridiculous stories that pinch my funny bone. It’s all in good fun and my friend Thumper would realize that were he to merely dismount his high horse.
But I digress….
Bizarro Bible Story coming up!
The Walking Dead. Night of the Living Dead. World War Z. Modern Warfare 3. The Bible. What do all of these have in common? Yep. You guessed it. Zombies.
What? No! Zombies are an abomination! You have got to be kidding me! Someone grab the PC police….
No. For real. I’m totally serious. For now, I am going to side-step the most famous (and celebrated) zombie story in the Bible (resurrection, anyone?) and talk a little about what I’ve found in Ezekiel 37:1-10.
The Valley of Dry Bones
1 The Lord took hold of me, and I was carried away by the Spirit of the Lord to a valley filled with bones. 2 He led me all around among the bones that covered the valley floor. They were scattered everywhere across the ground and were completely dried out. 3 Then he asked me, “Son of man, can these bones become living people again?” (umm…not unless the zombie apocalypse is upon is…)
“O Sovereign Lord,” I replied, “you alone know the answer to that.” (Of course – He knows everything – even when you’re not being tolerant of other people – just sayin’)
4 Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to these bones and say, ‘Dry bones, listen to the word of the Lord! 5This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! 6 I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. (ewww) I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. (Like CPR?) Then you will know that I am the Lord.’” (So, if I speak prophetically to my dry bank account, money will miraculously appear?)
7 So I spoke this message, just as he told me. (Apparently if the Lord told me to jump off a bridge, I’m supposed to do that, too) Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together and attached themselves as complete skeletons. (Ho-lee-shit! Someone call Daryl!)
8 Then as I watched, muscles and flesh formed over the bones. Then skin formed to cover their bodies, but they still had no breath in them. (Of course they had no breath! They were dead 30 seconds ago….geez)
9 Then he said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to the winds, son of man. Speak a prophetic message and say, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, O breath, from the four winds! Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again.’” (Get the hell outta here! WHY would I want to see the zombie revolution?)
10 So I spoke the message as he commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life and stood up on their feet—a great army.
I guess my point is this – the next time you decide Harry Potter is too “witchy” for your kids, Twilight is too “Vampy” and The Walking Dead is too, well, dead – cuddle up with your kids and read them this story. After all, if it’s in the Bible, it must be true. In case you were on the fence about whether or not a zombie army is a good thing – did you forget that they eat people? And now you’ve raised a whole army of them. Nice going.
Posted on March 28, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged Bible, biblical fanfic, Biblical FanFiction, Bizarre, Bizarre Bible Stories, Christine Hughes, New Stories, Old Book. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.