You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
Annnnd once again, I am late in getting this post together. Honestly, I skipped over Thursday and thought it was Friday. I also don’t generally write my posts ahead of time – much like my final paper in my Shakespeare class my senior year of college, I usually wait until the last minute, as in, the morning of. I’m a pressure writer. I give people heart attacks because of it. Anyhoo…
On the menu for today – A bizarro story from the Bible. Genesis 38: 6-10
(I may be smote* for blasphemy.)
I found this story when I was surfing the ‘net for something to write about. I found this crazy story so many times all over the place. I had to share.
*** THIS IS JUST A STORY I FIND ODD – PLEASE DO NOT FREAK OUT AND CURSE ME TO HELL. MY INTENTION IS NOT TO OFFEND YOU, uh, THEE. ***
Bible Porn – “And Juda took a wife for Her his firstborn, whose name was Thamar. And Her, the firstborn of Juda, was wicked in the sight of the Lord: and was slain by him. Juda, therefore said to Onan his son: Go in to thy brother’s wife and marry her, that thou mayst raise seed to thy brother. He knowing that the children should not be his, when he went in to his brother’s wife, spilled his seed upon the ground, lest children should be born in his brother’s name. And therefore the Lord slew him, because he did a detestable thing.”
Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Did you get that? Juda’s 1st son (Her, or Er depending on where you look) was killed by God because God thought him wicked….Ok. That happens all the time in the Bible. So Juda goes to his second son (Onan) and says, basically, “You need to go and have sex with your dead brother’s wife so ya’ll can procreate.” Onan’s down, sort of. I mean, it is a little weird, right? But he does it, cause it’s God’s will and all that – God didn’t like his brother but still wanted his brother to have heirs, or something.
So, Onan agrees and decides that, even though he’s uneasy, he’s gonna do the nasty with his brother’s lady (Thamar). Jump ahead a little bit and Onan and Thamar are in the throes of passion (one would assume) when Onan has a change of heart and realizes he is uncomfortable having impregnating Thamar. Something to do with his brother’s memory. Or something.
Just as Onan is about to, ahem, plant his seed, he pulls out and drops his swimmers on the ground. This pisses off God – I mean, who is Onan to practice birth control? (Yeah, yeah. The pull-out method isn’t all that effective, but still…) Can anyone tell me what God does when he’s angry 90% of the time, at least according to the Bible? Yep. You guessed it. Overreacts. Poor Onan never had a chance. God struck him down, too.
The story goes on and gets super-weird from there. Thamar ends up having children later on – with Juda. (I know! Right?) But you’d really have to read it for yourself.
Side note – “Onanism” is a word. A real word. I am not kidding you. Seriously. According the the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it means three things: 1. masturbation 2. coitus interruptus (not a fan of that, for real.) 3. self-gratification.
I guess the moral of the story is that self-pleasure is the work of the devil. Be careful. You won’t just go blind, you may go straight to hell. (Oh, and sorry there aren’t more pictures. I am sure you can guess what cropped up when I typed “onanism” into google images…)
*I thought smited was past tense for smite. But lo and behold, Merriam-Webster strikes again…