You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

 

Annnnd once again, I am late in getting this post together. Honestly, I skipped over Thursday and thought it was Friday. I also don’t generally write my posts ahead of time – much like my final paper in my Shakespeare class my senior year of college, I usually wait until the last minute, as in, the morning of. I’m a pressure writer. I give people heart attacks because of it. Anyhoo…

On the menu for today – A bizarro story from the Bible. Genesis 38: 6-10

(I may be smote*  for blasphemy.)

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I found this story when I was surfing the ‘net for something to write about. I found this crazy story so many times all over the place. I had to share.

*** THIS IS JUST A STORY I FIND ODD – PLEASE DO NOT FREAK OUT AND CURSE ME TO HELL. MY INTENTION IS NOT TO OFFEND YOU, uh, THEE. ***

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 Bible Porn – “And Juda took a wife for Her his firstborn, whose name was Thamar. And Her, the firstborn of Juda, was wicked in the sight of the Lord: and was slain by him. Juda, therefore said to Onan his son: Go in to thy brother’s wife and marry her, that thou mayst raise seed to thy brother. He knowing that the children should not be his, when he went in to his brother’s wife, spilled his seed upon the ground, lest children should be born in his brother’s name. And therefore the Lord slew him, because he did a detestable thing.”

Hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Did you get that? Juda’s 1st son (Her, or Er depending on where you look) was killed by God because God thought him wicked….Ok. That happens all the time in the Bible. So Juda goes to his second son (Onan) and says, basically, “You need to go and have sex with your dead brother’s wife so ya’ll can procreate.” Onan’s down, sort of. I mean, it is a little  weird, right? But he does it, cause it’s God’s will and all that – God didn’t like his brother but still wanted his brother to have heirs, or something.

So, Onan agrees and decides that, even though he’s uneasy, he’s gonna do the nasty with his brother’s lady (Thamar). Jump ahead a little bit and Onan and Thamar are in the throes of passion (one would assume) when Onan has a change of heart and realizes he is uncomfortable having impregnating Thamar. Something to do with his brother’s memory. Or something.

Just as Onan is about to, ahem, plant his seed, he pulls out and drops his swimmers on the ground. This pisses off God – I mean, who is Onan to practice birth control? (Yeah, yeah. The pull-out method isn’t all that effective, but still…) Can anyone tell me what God does when he’s angry 90% of the time, at least according to the Bible? Yep. You guessed it. Overreacts. Poor Onan never had a chance. God struck him down, too.

The story goes on and gets super-weird from there. Thamar ends up having children later on – with Juda. (I know! Right?) But you’d really have to read it for yourself.

Side note – “Onanism” is a word. A real word. I am not kidding you. Seriously. According the the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it means three things: 1. masturbation 2. coitus interruptus (not a fan of that, for real.) 3. self-gratification.

I guess the moral of the story is that self-pleasure is the work of the devil. Be careful. You won’t just go blind, you may go straight to hell. (Oh, and sorry there aren’t more pictures. I am sure you can guess what cropped up when I typed “onanism” into google images…)

~Christine

This-is-a-Work-of-Fiction-1

*I thought smited was past tense for smite. But lo and behold, Merriam-Webster strikes again…

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on March 7, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. OMG, I can’t stop laughing. Thanks for the images. ;0)

  2. Oh thank you for that …amazing how you gracefully “flowed” through all those points without tripping … I loved it …made my day … ironic I now feel so…..how should I say it …… clean!…lol

  3. Awesome post, Christine! Hilarious!

  4. No, the moral is a good Israelite adheres to Levirate marriage. In spite of how often this passage was/is used as a polemic against masturbation, it was not written as such.

    Read further though. There’s more.

  5. Too funny, I loved it!!!!
    Lynda

  6. I apologize if my tone was brusque in our last exchange. That was not my intent. I’m trying to find more dirty absurdity from the Bible for you and just realized something else.

    In the David/Bathsheba/Uriah episode, David pulled a Hamlet. Like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, Uriah bore a letter containing his own death sentence in it. Ok, maybe Hamlet pulled a David instead. See II Samuel 11:1-26.

    I will find the story I’m thinking of, but I don’t want to preface it any.

  7. No problem. This subject strikes chords in people differently. The point of all this, I feel, is to start a conversation that is intelligent, somewhat comedic and understanding. I fully see your point of view. I also feel that a subject that can be so serious needs to be seen from the lighter side every now and then.

    I’d love to know the story you are talking about – and I hope you come back Thursday as I am sure I will continue my take on Bizarro Bible stories 🙂

  8. Found it. I had to dig most of the way through the Harlot by the Side of the Road to find it. It’s an explanation for Amnon’s contempt for Tamar after he raped her. His junk was injured during the rape when it was entangled in her pubic hair. Feel free to insert Andrew “Dice” Clay commentary here.

    It’s the footnote on p295 and if you have not read the book, by Jonathan Kirsch, I highly recommend it.

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