You Wanna Tell Me What the %@#$ That Was?
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
We’ve all read the Bible, or at least portions of it. We all know God likes to “test” his subjects, er, followers. We all know he’s got a freaking sick sense of humor (remember when he mooned Moses?). So sick is this story, in fact, that Seth MacFarlane’s “Family Guy” threw it in an episode. It’s short, maybe 11 seconds but it sums up my thoughts, exactly, about this story. Then again, maybe I’m a sick individual. And because of this, I’m going to narrate my own version:
GOD: Abraham! Oh Abraham!
ABRAHAM: Yeah, God? I’m here. What’s up?
GOD: Yeah, well you know that kid you have? Isaac?
ABRAHAM: Yeah, sure. My only son. I love him more than anything in the whole wide world.
GOD: More than anything?
GOD: We’ll see about that…
GOD: Well, you see, you are supposed to love me more. So I’m gonna have to ask you to take him up the mountain and sacrifice him for me. You know, just to prove I’m numero uno and all.
ABRAHAM: I don’t understand.
GOD: You aren’t supposed to. Now scoot! Do as I say or I’ll have to come up with some strange punishment involving foreskins or something.
So Abraham grabs his kid, a knife and some wood and starts marching up the mountain. At one point Isaac begins to question this.
ISAAC: Hey dad?
ABRAHAM: Yeah, son?
ISAAC: I see the wood, I see the knife. Where’s the lamb?
ABRAHAM: What lamb?
ISAAC: You know, the one we’re supposed to sacrifice?
ABRAHAM: Oh yeah, that lamb. Well, uh, God told me he’d provide the sacrifice. Now move your ass! We’re gonna be late and I’d like to keep my foreskin intact.
Onward they continued up the mountain until they reached the place of sacrifice. Abraham set the wood on the altar.
ABRAHAM: Isaac, come lie down over here.
ABRAHAM: On the altar.
Now, I don’t know if Isaac questioned his dad or what but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t too keen about sitting on a pile of wood on an altar used to make sacrifices to God. Then again, stranger stories have been told in the Bible…
Isaac makes himself comfortable on the altar. Abraham stealthily (one would assume) picks up the knife he will use to sacrifice his son when he hears a voice…
ANGEL (of the Lord): Whoa! Wait a minute!
ABRAHAM: (mid-knife strike) What?
ANGEL: Um, well God says never mind.
ABRAHAM: Come again?
ANGEL: Yeah. He says you proved that you love him the most so he says you can keep your kid.
ISAAC: Thank God!
ABRAHAM: You sure? ‘Cause he’s all ready to go.
ANGEL: Yeah, I’m sure. You’re now considered a friend of God, yadda, yadda, yadda…Now look in the bushes. There’s a ram you can use instead.
Isaac hopped off the altar while Abraham grabbed the ram and prepared it for sacrifice. Once he completed the deed, he and Isaac had the most awkward walk home in written history. Cue Family Guy (pardon the crappy quality – but this is the only explicit version I could find):
Posted on July 4, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged Bible, biblical fanfic, Biblical FanFiction, Bizarre, Bizarre Bible Stories, Christine Hughes, Family Guy, Isaac and Abraham, New Stories, Old Book. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.