You Wanna Tell Me What the %@#$ That Was?

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Genesis 22

We’ve all read the Bible, or at least portions of it. We all know God likes to “test” his subjects, er, followers. We all know he’s got a freaking sick sense of humor (remember when he mooned Moses?). So sick is this story, in fact, that Seth MacFarlane’s “Family Guy” threw it in an episode. It’s short, maybe 11 seconds but it sums up my thoughts, exactly, about this story. Then again, maybe I’m a sick individual. And because of this, I’m going to narrate my own version:

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GOD: Abraham! Oh Abraham!

ABRAHAM: Yeah, God? I’m here. What’s up?

GOD: Yeah, well you know that kid you have? Isaac?

ABRAHAM: Yeah, sure. My only son. I love him more than anything in the whole wide world.

GOD: More than anything?

ABRAHAM: Yes!

GOD: We’ll see about that…

ABRAHAM: Huh?

GOD: Well, you see, you are supposed to love me more. So I’m gonna have to ask you to take him up the mountain and sacrifice him for me. You know, just to prove I’m numero uno and all.

ABRAHAM: I don’t understand.

GOD: You aren’t supposed to. Now scoot! Do as I say or I’ll have to come up with some strange punishment involving foreskins or something.

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So Abraham grabs his kid, a knife and some wood and starts marching up the mountain. At one point Isaac begins to question this.

ISAAC: Hey dad?

ABRAHAM: Yeah, son?

ISAAC: I see the wood, I see the knife. Where’s the lamb?

ABRAHAM: What lamb?

ISAAC: You know, the one we’re supposed to sacrifice?

ABRAHAM: Oh yeah, that lamb. Well, uh, God told me he’d provide the sacrifice. Now move your ass! We’re gonna be late and I’d like to keep my foreskin intact.

ISAAC: What?

ABRAHAM: Nevermind.

Onward they continued up the mountain until they reached the place of sacrifice. Abraham set the wood on the altar. 

ABRAHAM: Isaac, come lie down over here.

ISAAC: Where?

ABRAHAM: On the altar.

Now, I don’t know if Isaac questioned his dad or what but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t too keen about sitting on a pile of wood on an altar used to make sacrifices to God. Then again, stranger stories have been told in the Bible…

Isaac makes himself comfortable on the altar. Abraham stealthily (one would assume) picks up the knife he will use to sacrifice his son when he hears a voice…

ANGEL (of the Lord): Whoa! Wait a minute!

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ABRAHAM: (mid-knife strike) What?

ANGEL: Um, well God says never mind.

ABRAHAM: Come again?

ANGEL: Yeah. He says you proved that you love him the most so he says you can keep your kid.

ISAAC: Thank God!

ABRAHAM: You sure? ‘Cause he’s all ready to go.

ANGEL: Yeah, I’m sure. You’re now considered a friend of God, yadda, yadda, yadda…Now look in the bushes. There’s a ram you can use instead.

Isaac hopped off the altar while Abraham grabbed the ram and prepared it for sacrifice. Once he completed the deed, he and Isaac had the most awkward walk home in written history. Cue Family Guy (pardon the crappy quality – but this is the only explicit version I could find):

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on July 4, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. My favorite part was your line “the most awkward walk home in written history.” 🙂 True dat.

  2. Spike Cordiner

    For is it not written: Divinities be crazy.

    Excellent post as always, Christine. “Do as I say or I’ll have to come up with some strange punishment involving foreskins or something” That line had me stifling laughter at work for a good few minutes! 🙂

  3. Pretty cold hard truth…… lol….u need to go to church mr seeeessstor lol

  4. See now Isaac is allowed to have issues…lol

  5. I always thought it was funny that God didn’t ask Sarah – I know the men were the rulers of the family then – but I think God may have gotten a different answer from her 🙂

    You put a funny twist on a story that I never liked, but after I had children I was really pissed at it and got up and walked out of church when it was read. I soon stopped going to church, not because of that story but for many reasons and that was close to 20 years ago.

    Happy 4th everyone!

  6. That was funny Christine. I wonder if Isaac ever went for a walk with his father again. I missed you last week, but I didn’t want to harass you. God help you if you had missed this week though.

  7. Hilarious. I wonder what their relationship was from then on and whether Isaac slept with one eye open after that. I sure as hell wouldn’t trust my dad after an episode like that. The more I think of it, I feel like Abraham may have been Schizophrenic.

  8. Isaac’s birth was unique, and, in many ways, looked forward to the birth of Jesus Christ.

    http://kukis.org/Doctrines/isaacsbirth.pdf

    Similarly, God requiring Abraham to offer up his uniquely-born son looked forward to God the Father offering up His uniquely-born Son.

    http://kukis.org/Doctrines/isaacoffering.pdf

    I hope that this helps to explain what this was all about.

  9. Thanks. I know what it is about – I was just taking a different point of view.

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