Hello lovelies! Happy New Year!!
I am back and ready to dive into some more super strange stories from the Bible. And for my first post of the new year, we’re diving deep into the “do as I say” run around we see from book to book. Today, my dears, we’re calling out the Big Man with what we read in in Leviticus 21:17-24 . And before we do, let’s remind him of his own words:
This post can only be described with three letters…
Seriously. Read the rest of this entry
Here’s something you probably didn’t know – God is down with playing practical jokes. He’s a betting man. Seriously. He should be a stand up comedian. Just ask Job. I’m pretty sure he found the lovely bet between God and Satan wildly hilarious. After all, suffering is awesome and makes you a better person.
Job was a perfectly pious man. According to the Job 1:
1 In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. 2 He had seven sons and three daughters, 3 and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.
4 His sons used to hold feasts in their homes on their birthdays, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. 5 When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.
Sounds like a man God Could get behind, right? Sure. But then again, we all know how bored and vengeful He was in the Old Testament.
One day all the angels came to God.
Even Satan was there, much to God’s surprise.
A conversation of sorts ensues about what a wonderful person Job is. Satan points out he is only good because God coddles him.
So, just to prove a point, God tells Satan to destroy him – without killing him ’cause, you know, God’s all sentimental and shit. And thus begins the biggest “nanny nanny boo boo” moment in the Bible.
So Satan strikes down everything Job holds dear, you know, just to prove a point. Meanwhile God’s watching and waiting to see if Job will curse Him.
13 One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
16 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
17 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
He even strikes Job, not to kill him but to cover his body with painful boils.
Job’s wife isn’t happy. However, Job sees things differently.
Job praises God even though he lost everything.
God 1 : Satan 0
p.s. this is my new favorite site – Brick Testament
There’s a line in John that got me thinking. Apparently, much like the story of creation occurring in 7 days (we all know a day back then was, like, a least a few years. – I mean how else would we explain the dinosaurs?), Jesus had some time on his hands after he rose from the dead. According to John21:25 –
“25 Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.”
Like I said 50 or so words ago, this statement started turning the gears of the old cranium so I decided to come up with my own list of the 12 things (in no particular order) I figured a newly minted zombie would do before he jettisoned himself into the heavens. I hope you enjoy. Read the rest of this entry
I don’t get it. The Bible tells us how to avoid war and shame those who fight. Why don’t we take the advice? I’ll tell you why. Because the advice calls for us to get naked. And not in a Biblical way, if you know what I mean. I mean naked. Naked as the day you’re born naked. Nude. Stripped of all clothing. Half mast, full mast, nipples erect naked. Read the rest of this entry
Back on July 25 I posted a story about Lot and his horny daughters. If you want to know the story, click the link but long story short – he impregnated his daughters.
And I am more than convinced they did it to get revenge. Read the rest of this entry
Most everyone knows the story of how David defeated Goliath.
And after said defeat, God made David king.
Before I begin this post, I’d like to name the winner of the TORN ebook – JMBRAY!!! Please comment here with your email address and I will gift you a Kindle copy, or a pdf , if you prefer.
Now – for the Bizarro!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately of hypocrites and characters with what can only be described as a personality disorder. Patrick Bateman from Brett Easton Ellis’ American Psycho comes to mind. Not as a hypocrite necessarily but as a memorable character with a severe case of “Who the f@ck am I?”
I’ve been crazy busy this past week gearing up for the re-release of my Biblical FanFiction, TORN – a YA paranormal filled with angels and references to the Original Fall. I didn’t want to miss my post this week but instead of my usual crazy literal take on Bizarro Bible Stories, I figured we could play the caption game! Read the rest of this entry