I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie…..

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

images-2

Here we go again this week with another Bizzarro Bible Story. Seriously. (I swear, there is no end in sight to this comical genius we call the Bible.) This gem accounts for one little line in Exodus 33:23 – “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” Ummm, huh?

Moses must’ve been all puffed up with an ego the size of Mount Vesuvius when he found out he was gonna, like, meet God. I can only assume it’s the modern day equivalent of stepping eye ball to eye ball with the Biebs. Or Adam Levine. (Have you seen his abs?)

images-3

The story goes like this: God told Moses to take his followers to a new land – God would cast out all the strangely named people (i.e…. the Chanaanite, the Amorrhite and some other names totally impossible to pronounce). While he was ordering Moses to get out of town, he was, mind you, insulting Moses’ followers. Stiffnecked. No, they haven’t been craning their necks to see over a sea of people at the latest Mumford and Sons concert. He was calling them stubborn. Why couldn’t he have just said stubborn? Who knows. God speaks in mysterious ways.

images-1

Moses ends up questioning God. I mean, he wanted Moses and his people to move on, flee, make camp elsewhere and Moses was a little perturbed. He wanted to see God. Look him in the eye before he’d take orders from a voice. Seems about right to me. But this is where it gets weird…

God’s all like, sure. Come on up to the mountain and look inside a hole (uh, glory hole?). Once at the hole on the mountain, God promised he’d remove his hand so Moses could check him out. The thing is, God said that no man could see his face and live. Kinda how I feel when I look at Nikki Minaj. images-5But anywhoo, God promised him one better. “Come look in the hole and you can check out my ass.” Of course, not in those words, but you get the gist. We should all be smiling, just a little. I am pretty sure we’ve experience the first written account of mooning. To each his own right? Maybe God had a bad hair day or was growing a giant zit the size of my foot on his nose. I’m sure we’ll never really know.

images-2

As we look around, we can take comfort in knowing that even God knew a good thing when he had it. Aren’t we all just a little obsessed with butts? From J. Lo to Kim K – even George Michael gave us something to gawk at back in the 80’s.

images-1

But, apparently, even God has his quirks. My question to you is – ever read a book where a character had a strange habit or trait that made you question :

images-4

~Christine

This-is-a-Work-of-Fiction-1

Advertisements

About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on March 21, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Cracking up at your Nikki Minaj comment. lol I can’t remember off the top of my head a character trait that made me stop and think… Now I’m going to be wracking my brain all day.

  2. OMG. This post made my morning! One character that makes me say WTF is Jane Eyre. I know she’s an admired classic, BUT, she seriously needs to get laid!

  3. P.S. I love George Michael’s butt 😀

  4. That Adam Levine picture made this article. THANK YOU x1000…. yes, I kinda like his abs too. 😉

  5. Lol, the first account of mooning? Rotflmao! Somehow i think things got twisted in translation but hey? Picture a Devine butt!!

  6. Spike Cordiner

    One of the pictures in the Sistine Chapel ceiling (the one entitled ‘The Creation of The Sun, Moon, and Earth’) contains a depiction of said divine posterior. Maybe Michaelangelo had read the same passage recently?

    Of course, the real problem is I’m now going to have that Sir Mixalot song stuck in my head for days.

  7. How do you find these bible verses? You’re posts are too funny.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: