I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie…..
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
Here we go again this week with another Bizzarro Bible Story. Seriously. (I swear, there is no end in sight to this comical genius we call the Bible.) This gem accounts for one little line in Exodus 33:23 – “And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.” Ummm, huh?
Moses must’ve been all puffed up with an ego the size of Mount Vesuvius when he found out he was gonna, like, meet God. I can only assume it’s the modern day equivalent of stepping eye ball to eye ball with the Biebs. Or Adam Levine. (Have you seen his abs?)
The story goes like this: God told Moses to take his followers to a new land – God would cast out all the strangely named people (i.e…. the Chanaanite, the Amorrhite and some other names totally impossible to pronounce). While he was ordering Moses to get out of town, he was, mind you, insulting Moses’ followers. Stiffnecked. No, they haven’t been craning their necks to see over a sea of people at the latest Mumford and Sons concert. He was calling them stubborn. Why couldn’t he have just said stubborn? Who knows. God speaks in mysterious ways.
Moses ends up questioning God. I mean, he wanted Moses and his people to move on, flee, make camp elsewhere and Moses was a little perturbed. He wanted to see God. Look him in the eye before he’d take orders from a voice. Seems about right to me. But this is where it gets weird…
God’s all like, sure. Come on up to the mountain and look inside a hole (uh, glory hole?). Once at the hole on the mountain, God promised he’d remove his hand so Moses could check him out. The thing is, God said that no man could see his face and live. Kinda how I feel when I look at Nikki Minaj. But anywhoo, God promised him one better. “Come look in the hole and you can check out my ass.” Of course, not in those words, but you get the gist. We should all be smiling, just a little. I am pretty sure we’ve experience the first written account of mooning. To each his own right? Maybe God had a bad hair day or was growing a giant zit the size of my foot on his nose. I’m sure we’ll never really know.
As we look around, we can take comfort in knowing that even God knew a good thing when he had it. Aren’t we all just a little obsessed with butts? From J. Lo to Kim K – even George Michael gave us something to gawk at back in the 80’s.
But, apparently, even God has his quirks. My question to you is – ever read a book where a character had a strange habit or trait that made you question :
Posted on March 21, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged Bible, biblical fanfic, Biblical FanFiction, Bizarre, Bizarre Bible Stories, Christine Hughes, New Stories, Old Book. Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.