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Well Played

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Here’s something you probably didn’t know – God is down with playing practical jokes. He’s a betting man. Seriously. He should be a stand up comedian. Just ask Job. I’m pretty sure he found the lovely bet between God and Satan wildly hilarious. After all, suffering is awesome and makes you a better person.

Job was a perfectly pious man. According to the Job 1:

1 In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. He had seven sons and three daughters, and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.

His sons used to hold feasts in their homes on their birthdays, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.

Sounds like a man God Could get behind, right? Sure. But then again, we all know how bored and vengeful He was in the Old Testament.

One day all the angels came to God.

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Even Satan was there, much to God’s surprise.

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A conversation of sorts ensues about what a wonderful person Job is. Satan points out he is only good because God coddles him.

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So, just to prove a point, God tells Satan to destroy him – without killing him ’cause, you know, God’s all sentimental and shit. And thus begins the biggest “nanny nanny boo boo” moment in the Bible.

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So Satan strikes down everything Job holds dear, you know, just to prove a point. Meanwhile God’s watching and waiting to see if Job will curse Him.

13 One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

16 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

17 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”

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He even strikes Job, not to kill him but to cover his body with painful boils.

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Job’s wife isn’t happy. However, Job sees things differently.

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Job praises God even though he lost everything.

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God 1 : Satan 0

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Well played.

~Christine

p.s. this is my new favorite site – Brick Testament

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Father of the Year!

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Genesis 19

Back on July 25 I posted a story about Lot and his horny daughters. If you want to know the story, click the link but long story short – he impregnated his daughters.

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And I am more than convinced they did it to get revenge. Read the rest of this entry

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Most everyone knows the story of how David defeated Goliath.

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And after said defeat, God made David king.

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But did you know about David’s ensuing douchebaggery? Not sure if being king went to his head or what but the tale of David and Bathsheba makes me cringe a little.  Read the rest of this entry

Hey Dad! I’m Carrying Your Baby!

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Once again, I’m scratching my head. There is just so much in the Bible that confuses me. Sure, a number of strange stories have obvious morals – like when Onan was struck down for an inaccurately perceived bout of self pleasure – moral of the story? Don’t self pleasure. Okay, I get that. But the story of Lot and his daughters kind of freaks me out. Was it because he had , only 30 lines prior, offered them up to an angry rapist mob? (Who, by the way were not interested.) Was it because their mom didn’t listen and was turned into a pillar of salt? Were they bored? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? Gah! Honestly, sometimes I feel like:

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Gluten-Free Jesus

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in any way. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Breakin’ the Law

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Hosea 1

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When I was doing some research for this post, I stumbled across an odd story. Of course, my immediate reaction was “WTF?” But my second reaction was, “I so have to include this…”

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The Things We Do For Love

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Hey all! I’m back this week with another Bizarro Bible story. I had so much fun with all your comments last week, I figured I’d ride this wave until I jump the shark. (And please, let me know when I make the jump – nothing more embarrassing than  Fonzie in a bathing suit sailing over Jaws…)

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We’re gonna visit the lovely story of David, Saul, his daughter Merob (what is it with these Bible names? And we make fun of Apple and Blue Ivy…sheesh), and 100 foreskins. Yeah. You read that right. Foreskins. Men, you may want to cover your junk because this is painful even for me. Read the rest of this entry

You Just Can’t Make This Stuff Up

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

 

Annnnd once again, I am late in getting this post together. Honestly, I skipped over Thursday and thought it was Friday. I also don’t generally write my posts ahead of time – much like my final paper in my Shakespeare class my senior year of college, I usually wait until the last minute, as in, the morning of. I’m a pressure writer. I give people heart attacks because of it. Anyhoo…

On the menu for today – A bizarro story from the Bible. Genesis 38: 6-10

(I may be smote*  for blasphemy.)

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I found this story when I was surfing the ‘net for something to write about. I found this crazy story so many times all over the place. I had to share.

*** THIS IS JUST A STORY I FIND ODD – PLEASE DO NOT FREAK OUT AND CURSE ME TO HELL. MY INTENTION IS NOT TO OFFEND YOU, uh, THEE. ***

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 Bible Porn – Read the rest of this entry

This is a Work of Fiction…

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Apparently I am going to Catholic jail. Or purgatory. Or hell. Or wherever good Catholic -school girls who take it upon themselves to question, even re-write (the horror!) the biblical stories thrust upon them by well-intentioned, ruler wielding nuns, go. Of course it wasn’t really my intention to cause such controversy. Well, maybe subliminally. Torn was just a book I wrote and published that happened to be about fallen angels. And I wasn’t even writing it to include angels – that just kind of happened. Of course we’re all taught fallen angels are terrible creatures who questioned God. Well, what if some of them want to regain favor with the God who cast them out? What if Lucifer, Satan, Damien, Beelzebub – whatever you feel more comfortable calling him – wasn’t really the behind the fall? Read the rest of this entry

Vespers

Vespers: the Latin word for twilight, or quiet prayers sung in a monastery at night.

Or, in my fiction series… the species of black-blooded serpentine immortals charged with the stewardship of the human race by the Gatekeeper in the Garden. A dark paradox inspired by Original Sin. Read the rest of this entry