DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
Here’s something you probably didn’t know – God is down with playing practical jokes. He’s a betting man. Seriously. He should be a stand up comedian. Just ask Job. I’m pretty sure he found the lovely bet between God and Satan wildly hilarious. After all, suffering is awesome and makes you a better person.
Job was a perfectly pious man. According to the Job 1:
1 In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. 2 He had seven sons and three daughters, 3 and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.
4 His sons used to hold feasts in their homes on their birthdays, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. 5 When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, “Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.” This was Job’s regular custom.
Sounds like a man God Could get behind, right? Sure. But then again, we all know how bored and vengeful He was in the Old Testament.
One day all the angels came to God.
Even Satan was there, much to God’s surprise.
A conversation of sorts ensues about what a wonderful person Job is. Satan points out he is only good because God coddles him.
So, just to prove a point, God tells Satan to destroy him – without killing him ’cause, you know, God’s all sentimental and shit. And thus begins the biggest “nanny nanny boo boo” moment in the Bible.
So Satan strikes down everything Job holds dear, you know, just to prove a point. Meanwhile God’s watching and waiting to see if Job will curse Him.
13 One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 14 a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 15 and the Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
16 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The fire of God fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
17 While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, “The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
18 While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 19 when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!”
He even strikes Job, not to kill him but to cover his body with painful boils.
Job’s wife isn’t happy. However, Job sees things differently.
Job praises God even though he lost everything.
God 1 : Satan 0
p.s. this is my new favorite site – Brick Testament
Posted on October 10, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged Bible, biblical fanfic, Biblical FanFiction, Bizarre, Bizarre Bible Stories, Catholic, Christine Hughes, fiction, Job, New Stories, Old Book. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.