Brown Chicken, Brown Cow
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
Most everyone knows the story of how David defeated Goliath.
And after said defeat, God made David king.
But did you know about David’s ensuing douchebaggery? Not sure if being king went to his head or what but the tale of David and Bathsheba makes me cringe a little.
First of all, David’s a perv. He’s doin’ his kingly thinking on a rooftop when he spots a hot naked chick bathing herself. Pretty sure most men would find this an exciting turn of events and David was no exception.
Why was she bathing out in public is my first question?
According to the link above. she was “purifying herself from her monthly uncleanliness.” But instead of gawking and moving along, or more likely, gawking and taking part in some Onanism and leaving it at that, he calls his guard to bring the hot naked chick to his quarters where he proceeds to take part in a little brown chicken, brown cow. (bow chicka wow wow, for those that don’t know)
Before I continue, I found a really interesting paper on whether or not the actions of David could be construed as a misuse of his power and influence to get what he wants. Check it out here. (And don’t get mad at me, I didn’t write it.)
After he’s had his way with her, he sends her off. Here’s where the story gets a bit convoluted – some passages say Bathsheba eventually contacts David and says she’s pregnant other passages have him finding out she’s the wife of his best soldier. I’ll go with the second tale for my purposes here.
Okay, so David biggity bangs Bathsheba and sends her on her way.
And another pic, just because it’s hilarious:
I wish they had those when I was in …nevermind. Back to David and Bathsheba….
Okay. So, one of David’s advisors sees Bathsheba leaving and runs to tell his royalness that the woman is married to none other than Uriah, David’s best soldier.
This puts David in a pickle – I mean, he’s worried that he may have impregnated the woman so he calls for Uriah from the front lines.
During their visit, he tries to convince Uriah to go home and have the sex with his wife but Uriah doesn’t want to leave his fellow soldiers.
Since David can’t get Uriah to do what he wants, he does the only thing anyone in his position would do – he sends Uriah to the front lines.
Uriah, being the good soldier he is, takes this as an honor and does as he is told. (Um, so, he wouldn’t go home and have sex with his wife but he’d go stand on the front lines in battle?)
Anyway, you can guess what happens next –
Now before Uriah’s body is cold, David calls again (some passages say “harvest”, like she’s a potato or something) for Bathsheba and marries her. Just, you know, to make up for the fact he committed adultery, he ends up impregnating her right away, and they have babies.
The other passages have Bathsheba becoming pregnant from their one night stand, David sending Uriah to the front lines, Bathsheba losing her baby, David marrying her anyway and then getting her pregnant.
Not that he gets away with it.
Further on in the Bible, God smites him by allowing his children to “lay with” David’s concubines in broad daylight.
2 Samuel 16:22
Posted on August 29, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged Bible, biblical fanfic, Biblical FanFiction, Bizarre, Bizarre Bible Stories, Brown Chicken, Brown Cow, Catholic, Christine Hughes, David and Goliath, faith, fiction, King David, New Stories, Old Book, Peeping Tom, Walk of Shame. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.