Easily Misunderstood

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Songs of Solomon

Last week I mentioned the Songs of Solomon and their possible connection to erotica. Without the threat of being stoned to death, I’d like to expand on that notion. Let’s look at it from a different point of view. Remember, I’m not one for flowery love poems and I am always bound to find fault with them…If you see it as a love poem, so be it. But this is my blog post and I write what I want.

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Song of Songs 4

New International Version (NIV)

He

4 How beautiful you are, my darling! (Why thank you!)
Oh, how beautiful! 
Your eyes behind your veil are doves.
Your hair is like a flock of goats (I’m sorry, what?)
descending from the hills of Gilead.

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Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn,
coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin;
not one of them is alone.

(In reference to the above stanza, maybe it’s me, but I’m not sure I dig the whole ‘you’re teeth are like shorn sheep’ thing. And as for the remark that none of my teeth are alone? Maybe because I have decent dental care?)

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Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon;
your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil
are like the halves of a pomegranate.

(Have you ever seen what a half of a pomegranate looks like? Pretty sure that isn’t a compliment.)

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Your neck is like the tower of David,

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built with courses of stone[a];
on it hang a thousand shields,
all of them shields of warriors.

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Your breasts are like two fawns, (Huh? Melons, maybe. Even kiwis, but fawns?)

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like twin fawns of a gazelle
that browse among the lilies. (Venture to guess what a lily could represent??)

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Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee,
I will go to the mountain of myrrh
and to the hill of incense.
You are altogether beautiful, my darling;
there is no flaw in you.

(I can’t really make fun of the above, it’s kinda nice…)

Come with me from Lebanon, my bride,
come with me from Lebanon.
Descend from the crest of Amana,
from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon,
from the lions’ dens
and the mountain haunts of leopards.
You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;
you have stolen my heart
with one glance of your eyes,
with one jewel of your necklace.

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10 How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride!
How much more pleasing is your love than wine,
and the fragrance of your perfume
more than any spice!

(That’s nice…that’s what girls are made of.)

11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride;
milk and honey are under your tongue.
The fragrance of your garments (undergarments?)
is like the fragrance of Lebanon. (if you say so…)
12 You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride;
you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

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13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates (Again with the pomegranates?)
with choice fruits,
with henna and nard,
14     nard and saffron,
calamus and cinnamon,
with every kind of incense tree,
with myrrh and aloes
and all the finest spices.
15 You are[b] a garden fountain,
a well of flowing water
streaming down from Lebanon.

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She

16 Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread everywhere.
Let my beloved come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.

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(This is where I add a line…)

Him

“Hell yeah!”

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There you have it. A probably misunderstood explanation of Song of Songs 4.

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~Christine

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on June 6, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Hilarious. As always!
    Please make a collection of your blogs and publish them in a book, pictures and all!

  2. You are always making me look at this great book in a different light. LOL. Breasts are like fawns. Oh, Solomon.

  3. Spike Cordiner

    I’m still stuck on the “Your hair is like a flock of goats” line. Really? In what way? Smelly and muddy? Strewn all over the hillside? Unruly, aggressive and eating everything it sees?

    I have long hair myself and, now that I think about it, maybe that last one…

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