Do As I Say!

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Today’s Bizarro Bible Story comes to us from Exodus 4:24-26 – God, Moses, Moses’ wife Zipporah and an uncircumcised child. The fascination with foreskins in the Bible really is fascinating. And it isn’t just foreskins. Sex, masturbation and the penis in general. It’s a veritable goldmine for porn addicts. Really.

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Before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s remember in Genesis 17:9-14, God set forth a decree, declaration, law – whatever – that if you’re gonna follow Him, you gotta be circumcised. Apparently removing your foreskin was a declaration of devotion. Sounds painful to me, especially since many of the followers had to take part while they were adults. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure any adult male I’ve ever come in contact with throws up a “Hell No!” if a sharp object were to ever come in the vicinity of the family jewels.

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Moses, was of course, named to lead God’s followers to the promised land so wasn’t God a little pissed when Moses didn’t circumcise his own son? Of course, Moses knew (he had to) that the circumcision was an important part of pledging allegiance to the Creator, so why didn’t he follow through?

In comes Zipporah, Moses’ first (?) wife. She didn’t want the circumcise her son. Not sure if it was a power play – you know the kind, we we (as women) stealthily get our better halves to prove their love. Or, more likely, it was just a case of:

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In this case, Zipporah didn’t want her son to be circumcised and Moses, being the man who didn’t want to piss off his wife, agreed. But in the land of God, who’s more important? Him or your spouse? Apparently Moses made a bad choice. When God asked him what the deal was, Moses explained.

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In the land of the Old Testament, God was one pissed off dude. He was constantly exacting his revenge. So what better choice than to teach Moses a lesson than to kill him?

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Enter Zipporah.

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Because she loved Moses, Zipporah went nuts, grabbed her kid and a flint and circumcised him herself just to get God off her husband’s back saying to Moses, “A bloody spouse thou art to me!”

Not to say this didn’t piss her off more – I mean, she made a decision, God was gonna kill her husband for it so she relented and gave him what he wanted. Sounds an awful like God was a little manipulative. Being the all knowing being that he was, didn’t he know Zipporah would relent?

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But Zipporah wasn’t done. She was angry at Moses (and I would assume at God) for making her change her mind. So she did what any sane woman would do in the situation. She took the son’s bloody foreskin and threw it at Moses feet. God, obviously realizing he was dealing with a nut job, backed off and let Moses live.

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Needless to say, Zipporah didn’t join Moses on his journey to Egypt. Maybe she was tired of being married to a “yes” man.

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(Oh, and in case you were wondering about the comment earlier about the Bible being a veritable goldmine of porn references, check out Song of Solomon 2:3)

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~Christine

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on May 30, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. Lol. That is all, lol.

  2. I’m sure there’s a very good reason for that foreskin story…just can’t think of what it could be. And before you dis the Song of Solomon too much, here’s a little story for you. In my Catholic church, you get to choose the readings for your wedding from the official wedding booklet, and one of the choices is from the SoS. I’ve known two couples who’ve chosen that reading, and both of them have enviably strong and loving relationships. One couple just got married last year, but the other has been married twenty years, and are truly my idols for what marriage can and should be.
    Food for thought, maybe?

    • No dis intended, Liv. For my Thursday posts, I make it a point to look at things a little differently – my own version of food for thought. I am very happy for your friends and the strong relationships they’ve built. I’d like to think my husband and I, coming up on our 10 year anniversary, can continue to be as strong. And being married in a Catholic Church (yep, I’m a Catholic) as well, I too was able to choose my readings. I think if you can find something that speaks to you on your special day, all the more reason to use it.

      • Oops, I was kind of kidding about the ‘dis’. I knew you weren’t truly being disrespectful.
        I do think it’s interesting, though, that the couples who chose a reading that would make some of us blush because of it’s visceral romantic imagery have such strong relationships. Just my two bits…

  3. I love The Song of Solomon. In the midst of the other cruel, violent, bloody, angry stories, it is a beautifully written piece. I wish it was read more often in church – although I haven’t been a while so maybe it is these days – it wasn’t in my day 🙂

  4. Reminds me of Katie and Tom Cruz and their reason for divorce (supposedly)

  5. Spike Cordiner

    As the joke goes: “And God said unto Abraham, you must give me the foreskin of each male child. Abraham asked ‘Why, Lord?’ and was answered thusly: ‘I’m making a wallet. When I rub it, it’ll turn into a suitcase!'”

    I have to say, I’ve often wondered if there’s some sort of persistent mis-translation going on and it should be something far more innocuous. (“When i said shave your head, what I meant was… Oh never mind.”)

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