Do As I Say!
DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.
Today’s Bizarro Bible Story comes to us from Exodus 4:24-26 – God, Moses, Moses’ wife Zipporah and an uncircumcised child. The fascination with foreskins in the Bible really is fascinating. And it isn’t just foreskins. Sex, masturbation and the penis in general. It’s a veritable goldmine for porn addicts. Really.
Before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s remember in Genesis 17:9-14, God set forth a decree, declaration, law – whatever – that if you’re gonna follow Him, you gotta be circumcised. Apparently removing your foreskin was a declaration of devotion. Sounds painful to me, especially since many of the followers had to take part while they were adults. I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure any adult male I’ve ever come in contact with throws up a “Hell No!” if a sharp object were to ever come in the vicinity of the family jewels.
Moses, was of course, named to lead God’s followers to the promised land so wasn’t God a little pissed when Moses didn’t circumcise his own son? Of course, Moses knew (he had to) that the circumcision was an important part of pledging allegiance to the Creator, so why didn’t he follow through?
In comes Zipporah, Moses’ first (?) wife. She didn’t want the circumcise her son. Not sure if it was a power play – you know the kind, we we (as women) stealthily get our better halves to prove their love. Or, more likely, it was just a case of:
In this case, Zipporah didn’t want her son to be circumcised and Moses, being the man who didn’t want to piss off his wife, agreed. But in the land of God, who’s more important? Him or your spouse? Apparently Moses made a bad choice. When God asked him what the deal was, Moses explained.
In the land of the Old Testament, God was one pissed off dude. He was constantly exacting his revenge. So what better choice than to teach Moses a lesson than to kill him?
Because she loved Moses, Zipporah went nuts, grabbed her kid and a flint and circumcised him herself just to get God off her husband’s back saying to Moses, “A bloody spouse thou art to me!”
Not to say this didn’t piss her off more – I mean, she made a decision, God was gonna kill her husband for it so she relented and gave him what he wanted. Sounds an awful like God was a little manipulative. Being the all knowing being that he was, didn’t he know Zipporah would relent?
But Zipporah wasn’t done. She was angry at Moses (and I would assume at God) for making her change her mind. So she did what any sane woman would do in the situation. She took the son’s bloody foreskin and threw it at Moses feet. God, obviously realizing he was dealing with a nut job, backed off and let Moses live.
Needless to say, Zipporah didn’t join Moses on his journey to Egypt. Maybe she was tired of being married to a “yes” man.
(Oh, and in case you were wondering about the comment earlier about the Bible being a veritable goldmine of porn references, check out Song of Solomon 2:3)
Posted on May 30, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged Bible, biblical fanfic, Biblical FanFiction, Bizarre, Bizarre Bible Stories, Christine Hughes, New Stories, Old Book. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.