Gluten-Free Jesus

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in any way. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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I heard a really funny story that made me scratch my head awhile ago and I thought I should share. I am sure the person responsible for this story will be reading this today so I wanted to start of by saying:

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A friend, let’s call her Mary, went to church with her significant other, let’s call him Joe. While at the service the priest indicated it was time to bless the body and blood of Jesus. All went according to tradition until the priest declared a new item for people to try: the gluten free host. Now, before you get your knickers in a twist, I get that gluten allergies are terrible and I feel for all the people out there who have to change their diets because of such a thing. But I really have to question: Really? You’re serving Gluten-Free Jesus?

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Maybe it’s just me, but if, and I mean if an entire religious community can turn some unleavened bread into the body of someone, wouldn’t you think they’d have figured out a way to remove the gluten? I mean, much like boneless chicken breasts, I don’t remember eating any bones or my mouth filling up with blood when I’ve accepted a host so they’ve apparently gotten removing stuff down to a science. But why can’t they remove the gluten??

And it’s not like the human body is made out of gluten so I find it odd that if, in fact, the church is performing some sort of wizard magic and actually turning the wafers into Jesus, wouldn’t it be fair to say there should be no gluten anyway? Of course, I ponder that for those literal minded people who actually believe the grape juice they’re ingesting is indeed blood – which also makes me wonder if their is some sort of vampire cannibalism going on that I wasn’t made aware of.

We live in a “what about me?” community. What we do for one we have to do for other otherwise it wouldn’t be fair. (In my opinion, you can take your “not fair” crap and shove it up your…. life isn’t fair bucko.)

And if they’re going to accommodate those with gluten allergies, what about alcoholics? Sure. Change the wine to grape juice. What about those afraid of crowds? Make them their own church?

How ’bout this photo:

jesus-has-appeared-on-a-fabric-softener-stain-according-to-one-british-man

That’s what we call “fabric softener stain Jesus.” (<—not making this up) Or as a friend so nicely put it:

Wrinkle-Free Jesus

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Sugar-Free?

Lactose-Free?

Peanut-Free?

WHEN WILL IT END????

(It really is enough to make your head spin.)

Of course, I did some digging and this is what has been said about removing gluten from the hosts:

“The Holy See has declared that some gluten is necessary for the substance to be considered as true bread. And thus a gluten-free wafer, in spite of its external resemblance, is no longer bread and thus is incapable of becoming the Body of Christ.

The sacraments are far too important to risk performing them invalidly.”

So Gluten -free Jesus isn’t real Jesus? Just unleavened bread can be used to symbolize the body of a man who lived how long ago? Subtracting gluten makes the whole thing null and void? I just don’t understand. Why make gluten-free Jesus if the lack of gluten invalidates the fact that it’s Jesus? I guess I just feel bad for all those people receiving the host, thinking the’ve been blessed by the church when, in reality, the Pope disavows the use of gluten-free Jesus.

Of course, when it comes to gluten-free offerings, I’d like to believe that:

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I don’t really have a point to all of this. I guess the connection I could make when writing is this: When writing be careful that you don’t  contradict yourself.  And maybe that connection is a stretch but I’ve connected far stranger things that this.

~Christine

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on May 23, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. *fist bump* for throwing in the Buddy Christ 😉

  2. Bahaha! I love this. I had no idea the pope was anti-gluten-free-Jesus. It made me wonder, though, if the ‘blood of Christ’ they serve is from a box or a bottle. ‘Cause … boxed-Jesus… that’s just funny.
    (I would like to borrow Christine’s disclaimer here).

    • I may have to start charging for use of the disclaimer…Boxed-Jesus. Yes! Seems to me there are quite a few anti-anything-that-doesn’t-fit-with-what-I-say people out there – The Pope is apparently not immune.

  3. Spike Cordiner

    To get the Dogma quote in: “Christ didn’t come here to give us the willies…” Nor, apparently, to give us gluten or bits of bone in our bread/flesh conversion.

    Of course, I’ve now got visions of some kind of holy continuity editor saying “You don’t like it? Fine, we’ll transubstantiate that sh*t outta there.”

    One other thing that I’ve just learned from the wrinkle-free Jesus: Looks to me like he can juggle. Now that’s very Buddy Christ.

    (Yeah, I’m gonna need a loan of that disclaimer too)

  4. You do know how to make a person think about his/her religion and it’s meaning. I think your post is right on point.

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