Spank Me…Metaphorically Speaking, Of Course

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in any way. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.


I am about to delve into a story that kinda really freaks me out. Well, I don’t really want to get into the whole story, per se. I mean it’s cool there was an angel hanging around and all but the part that has me wondering if the Bible really and truly, encased within its leather-bound Holiness, just does not dig masturbation. Now before we get on our high horses, settle down – I’ve been disclaimered so technically, you can’t freak out on me for mentioning the Bible and masturbation in the same sentence. I mean, being disclaimered would also allow me to talk about God, Jesus, Mary and Joseph having some strange four-way but I am not here to discuss that – who do you think I am? Some random heathen who has no desire to pass through the pearly gates of hell? Ur, uh, Heaven?? Basically what I’m wondering: Is this story a metaphor highlighting God’s displeasure of those seeking to pleasure themselves?

Alright, without further ado, and random ramblings, I’d like to begin my musings on the story of:


(Numbers 22:28-30)

In this story, we meet Balaam, who by my google research has shown to be some sort of sorcerer. Didn’t know they had those in the  Bible – I mean, what’s all this banning Harry Potter in the name of religion crap? And don’t tell me you haven’t heard about it – Reading about fictional witches and wizards doesn’t gel with proper Sunday School learning, apparently.


(Sorry! From masturbation to Potter – I can’t always know where my head is going…)

But I digress, yet again. You should be used to it by now. Ok, so…Balaam. This Balaam guy was asked to curse the Israelites by King Balak, for a handsome sum of course. God wasn’t down with it so he told Balaam not to curse them but rather bless them. Long story short, Balaam gets on his donkey and begins to travel to with King Balak’s men – and this is where it gets shady – was he going to curse them or bless them? Some research talks of his intent to bless but his heart followed the money – or something like that. That isn’t the interesting part and I kind of don’t really care.

The part that has me scratching my head occurs when Balaam is traveling. The donkey, with Balaam on his back, sees an angel with a sword in his path and turns away. Since Balaam didn’t see the angel, he doesn’t know why the donkey turned so he begins to spank his ass with a staff.


They continue on, and while traveling through a narrow passageway, the angel again appears before Balaam and the donkey. The donkey tries to avoid the angel, who by now has shown up on their path twice with a sword – I’m thinking he’s not there to shoot the breeze. Anyway, avoiding the angel, narrow passageway – he ends up “bruising” or “crushing” (depending on where you read it) Balaam’s foot. What does Balaam do? You guessed it. Beats that ass.


After the ass beating, they, once again, continue on their way. The angel appears once again before Balaam and his donkey. This time, the donkey drops to the ground .By this time, Balaam is beyond pissed to he begins to, yup, you guessed it, smack that ass.


It was, after the third beat down, that the donkey began to speak. Yup. You read that correctly. Talking donkeys. Imagine, will you for a moment, that you’re minding your own business, smacking your own ass when it begins to talk.


Balaam is quite shocked when he hears:



It must be said, that it didn’t bother Balaam in the least that his donkey was talking to him. Was this a regular occurrence?


The donkey then begins to discuss their relationship, pointing out the he has never done “ill” toward Balaam. Balaam agrees and they make peace. God then opens Balaam’s eyes and shows him the angel in their path. The angel tells Balaam that had it not been for the donkey, he surely would have killed Balaam for going against God.


All was forgiven, sort of. Balaam was eventually killed by the Jews.

So, moral of the story? Not sure. It’s either A. Never spank your own ass or B. God is okay with a little smack around, as long as you don’t do it too many times. I mean, you’ll grow hairy palms right? ANd that wouldn’t be good for your social life.


Then again, as a former English teacher, I’ve learned that not every story is metaphorical. Sometimes the curtains are just blue. And sometimes, if you beat that ass too often, it will eventually ask you to stop.


~ Christine


—–>side note: One would think God would know Balaam couldn’t see the angel  – instead, I feel – he waited to “show himself” until after the ass was smacked three times. This information tells me God totally digs a good spanking.

About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on May 16, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Perhaps he was in the land of Shrek, and the donkey didn’t want to make waffles for breakfast. LOL
    Love your posts, Christine!

  2. I have another concern….if he could not get the donkey to go where he wanted….how would he have blessed or cursed anybody?

  3. Great post, Christine. I don’t think I have a response for this one. No offense to the Bible and those who follow it, it’s a huge bestseller, but sometimes the silliness is so epic I think it’s real message gets lost. It does on me, anyway…..

  4. I couldn’t help but laugh. I love all the pics you have on here too!

  5. I have tears in my eyes from the laughter. That was too funny. Beat that ass. I was wondering how Balaam knew the donkey had seen the angel in the first place. The bible is weird sometimes. A talking donkey. Really? Awesome post Christine. It makes up for missing last week.

  6. I think the masturbation joke is a bit of a stretch, but that’s ok, the world needs more humor including masturbation jokes. Besides, my humor ranges from the eschatological to the scatological.

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