The Things We Do For Love

DISCLAIMER: This blog post was written in good fun. It does not reflect the views of anyone associated with this blog in anyway. In addition, it may contain some adult content and/or biblical mockery that may offend some people. If you are one of those people, read on at your own risk or don’t read on at all. Your choice. We all have choices and I choose to not take everything so seriously just as you, the reader, may choose to skip my Thursday blog posts. I am neither a heathen nor an atheist. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the Catholic Church and attended Catholic School for a number of years. Again, this is all in good fun – and laughing makes us all live a little longer. So if you’re ready to turn that frown upside down, read on.

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Hey all! I’m back this week with another Bizarro Bible story. I had so much fun with all your comments last week, I figured I’d ride this wave until I jump the shark. (And please, let me know when I make the jump – nothing more embarrassing than  Fonzie in a bathing suit sailing over Jaws…)

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We’re gonna visit the lovely story of David, Saul, his daughter Merob (what is it with these Bible names? And we make fun of Apple and Blue Ivy…sheesh), and 100 foreskins. Yeah. You read that right. Foreskins. Men, you may want to cover your junk because this is painful even for me.

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1 Kings 18:17-25

“And Saul said to David: Behold my elder daughter Merob, her will I give thee to wife: only be a valiant man, and fight the battles of the Lord. Now Saul said within himself: Let not my hand be upon him, but let the hands of the Philistines be upon him. And David said to Saul: Who am I, or what is my life, or my father’s family in Israel, that I should be son in law of the king? And it came to pass at the time when Merob the daughter of Saul should have been given to David, that she was given to Hadriel the Molathite to wife.But Michol the other daughter of Saul loved David. And it was told Saul, and it pleased him.

And Saul said: I will give her to him, that she may be a stumblingblock to him, and that the band of the Philistines may be upon him. And Saul said to David: In two things thou shalt be my son in law this day. And Saul commanded his servants to speak to David privately, saying: Behold thou pleasest the king, and all his servants love thee. Now therefore be the king’s son in law. And the servants of Saul spoke all these words in the ears of David. And David said: Doth it seem to you a small matter to be the king’s son in law? But I am a poor man, and of small ability. And the servants of Saul told him, saying: Such words as these hath David spoken. And Saul said: Speak thus to David: The king desireth not any dowry, but only a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. Now Saul thought to deliver David into the hands of the Philistines.”

Whew. Give me a minute…..

Ok. Let’s break this down. There was a bit of story before this – mainly that Saul wasn’t the biggest fan of David but David was truly enamored of the king. But anywhoo… Saul decided it would be cool to allow David to marry his daughter. But he didn’t want a dowry , as was customary during those times. Nope. Brainiac here wanted to challenge David, wanted to set him up for failure. Instead of money, goods, ferraris, or even David’s house in the Hills,he wanted David to circumcise a hundred Philistines. (I don’t know about you but the Philistine’s seem to always get the shit end of the stick in these Bible stories) Basically, Saul didn’t want to dirty his hands killing David – he figured the Philistines would do it for him.

I may be wrong here, but I’m not convinced there was much in the way of anesthetic during the time of David and Saul and even if there was, with the promise of a new wife, do we really think David took the time to mix a bunch of herbs, feed them to or rub them on a hundred Philistines? I think not. And did he use a knife? A sword? A spoon? These men weren’t willing participants in this sick game of “What would you do for love?” so David killed them. (Umm…isn’t that breaking a commandment? Thou shalt not kill?)

The thing is, David went a little nuts-o with this particular challenge. He not only delivered the required amount of foreskins to King Saul, he doubled that number. Maybe he got a little cut happy, maybe he really liked slicing off pieces of Philistine weener – I honestly don’t know. All I know is that Saul was pretty happy about it – even decrying that the Lord was with David (again – not sure the Lord would be okay with all this but it’s in the Bible…). Eventually, David didn’t marry Merob – he married the other daughter of Saul, Michol. Cause, well, she really loved David.

I guess my point in all this would be to ask you, what’s the craziest thing you’ve either read of written in terms of the crazy things characters do for love? I’d be hard pressed to find anyone in today’s fiction chopping off penis parts to please the object of their desire… For real.

~Christine

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P.S.  Did you know females can be circumcised too?? You can google it because I’m not sick enough to provide you with a link….

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About Christine Hughes

A few things about me in no particular order: 1. I love the NY Jets (I know, I know...) 2. I love where I live. An hour to NY, Philly and the Jersey shore. 3. I have two boys and they make me laugh hard enough to blow liquids out of my nose. The hubs is funny enough to make me pee my pants. Not that it's ever happened. Of course not. 4. Being a writer is the best job on the planet, and not just because I can wear jammies to work, drink coffee by the gallonful, randomly catch up on my DVR'd shows, troll YouTube, flip on E! News and browse iTunes - all in the name of research. 5. I have some of the best friends in the world - they put up with my inappropriate jokes, foul mouth, strange musings and don't judge me if I drink too much wine on a Tuesday. Just sayin' - a girl needs her friends. 6. Represented by the most fabulous Michelle Johnson of Inklings Literary Agency. I fell into it with her - she is perfectly amazeballs. LOVE!

Posted on March 14, 2013, in Bizarro Bible Stories and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Wow, I have to agree, all of a sudden marrying a man who sparkles and who is 200+ years older than you does not sounds like such an idiotic idea…

  2. I guess that old saying it true. There is nothing new under the Sun. People are still crazy in love. Enjoyed the post.

  3. Nice post Christine! David sure did love. He got Bathsheba (another man’s wife) pregnant then had him killed. Rumor has it he and Saul’s son Jonathan may have a little something going on too 🙂

    “David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground. Then they kissed each other and wept together – but David wept the most.” 1 Samuel 20:41

    “I am heartbroken over you, my brother Jonathan. You were my great delight. Your love was more wonderful to me than the love of women.” – 2 Samuel 1:26
    11 months ago

    It’s all in the interpretation, I guess 🙂 This is why the Bible is a bestseller. It has everything you could ask for. Murder, sex, greed, lust….

    • Ahh…. see you’ve given me more Bizarro to think about! The Bible really is the whole package, if you were to look at it as an anthology of fictional stories.

      • To add to it, The salacious David passages from Samuel were left out of Chronicles. That includes the not-so-subtle subtext of David and Jonathan.

        And Debbie beat me to it.

    • There’s a ton of not-so-subtle subtexts within the pages. It’s really hysterical – I mean, those who think they take it “literally” don’t really know the meaning of the word.

  4. Eye opening post Christine. I don’t ever remember reading about Saul’s request of adult foreskins (sick bastard). By the way female circumcision is now called Female Genital Mutilation. A more apt name to the horrible barbaric practice.

  5. Nana – it really is a barbaric practice! Before it was considered mutilation, it was looked at much like the male circumcision is looked at – almost a right of passage. Awful, awful practice for sure.

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